It’s impossible to understand what’s happening with your life (or your gender) if you’re an addict.
Addiction constantly gets in the way of any process of self examination or any program of self-improvement you try to initiate. That’s why you need to overcome your addiction to overcome gender dysphoria.
A great place to start is with Russel Brand’s brilliant book. I was very skeptical when I downloaded it…but instantly engaged when I started listening (I particularly recommend the audio version which he reads himself.)
Listen to the first chapter and start the process of recovery.