After many weeks away, I visited the crossdreamer forum and was reminded why it’s the best community for transgender people like me.

I was reminded by a member who expressed the realisation which all intelligent crossdreamers come to: that crossdreaming and late-onset transsexualism leads to an impossible paradox…

  1. It is impossible that transition will solve my gender dysphoria.
  2. It is impossible to stop wanting to transition.

Which really translates into the riddle in its purest form…

  1. You must not transition.
  2. You must transition.

This  unsolvable riddle is a classic dilemna of reason versus passion.

Reason

In one part of our brain we know that transition will never provide the femininity we need to quell our gender dysphoria. As crossdreamers we are much more obssessed with the cosmetic, aesthetic and sexual dimensions of femininity.

For example, my intense need to be female is not unconditional. It is ‘contingent’. As I describe in my book on gender dysphoria, my drive to transition is centered on a desire to be young, beautiful and female.

As all the surgery and hormones in the world could never make my 40 year old body young and beautiful and female, transition would never give me what I want.

There are other rational reasons why transition would never work for me. In fact, I’m quite sure it would lead to far greater misery than the just about bearable gender dysphoria I have.

Passion

However, despite this rational knowledge that transition would not solve anything, I cannot stop planning, thinking about, fantasizing about, being absoloutely sure of my need to…

…transition.

Living with the riddle

That’s why I like the crossdreamer forum. It’s a transgender space where people avoid the rabbit hole of blind acceptance of the contemporary transgender narrative… and its polar opposite: blind rejection.

Enlightened crossdreamers understand the quantum paradox of transition (that it is both the answer and not the answer). They see a duality that can not be solved, leading them to conclude that there is no single answer: each individual with the transgender condition has to do whatever they must to find love and happiness.

For some of us that means choosing transition (with all its imperfections and lingering feeling of dissatisfaction,) while others choose non-transition (with its unbearable longing for transition.) The good thing, however, is that whatever we choose, crossdreamers tend to have respect for all paths taken and all ideas about gender and sexuality. 

I thank, therefore, the new user at the crossdreamer forum who – despite his repeated caveats of a mumbled narrative –  expressed so well the subtleties and contradictions of our sexuality and gender.

Want to read more about my philosophy of non-transitioning? Buy my book on Amazon or buy the Novagirl collection right here…

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1 Comment

  1. BehindTheMask Reply

    Hello, I’m this user from the forum and thanks for your reaction.

    I can relate to this riddle a lot, but my thoughts are spinning around another question.

    I think I’m pretty sure about my decision to not transition, but it’s not about being “young and beautiful”. I don’t think I have any conditions about transitions. Of course, if asked, I will always choose to be young, healthy and wealthy. And that’s the way my fantasies are going.
    But in some ideal world, where nobody cares about how others look, I could enjoy having some female traits without even full transition. Or just making it one step at the time until finding the optimal balance.

    I think this transitioning issue is more about being able to act and being perceived as a woman. Being able to live and communicate according to the wanted gender. Being able to adopt female standards of beauty and qualities.

    But my real struggle is to understand how “real” is this issue and what’s the source of it. The riddle is pretty obvious for me in my situation – the transition is not possible and could lead only to the worst life. So what now? Looks like I have to read your book to find your view on this problem. )

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