In a surprising move, Canadian sexologist, Raymond Blanchard, announced today that he was changing the name of his controversial theory, autogynephilia, to… quackaphilia. In a move that will delight trans-activists around the world, Doctor Blanchard explained to the Toronto Times that after reading Felix Conrad’s merciless dissection of the theory in his ‘Autogynephilia memorial lecture’ he had to admit it had no scientific value, and was clearly the work of a quack.
This article is a spoof – and entirely fictitious (except the part about Felix being handsome.)
Blanchard defended his professional track record in treating transgender patients but acknowledged his mistakes. “In the past thirty years hundreds have passed through my consulting room and received top quality treatment, but I have to admit that my theoretical work is a bit – what’s that word the Brits use? – Dodgy.”
In an astonishing display of honesty, Blanchard admitted that as a gay man with an eye for style, he’d got a bit sick of balding middle aged heterosexual men claiming to be women… but had always liked the young ones who preferred men. It seemed clear there were two type of transsexuals. Furthermore, he added that… “When I came up with the theory they were heady times… there was a lot of coke going around Toronto and I guess it affected my judgement. All I can do now is thank Felix for putting me right.”
Conrad finally put pay to Blanchard’s autogynephhilia theory in the most unexpected way. The handsome Catalan philosopher who is credited with giving Sergey Brin and Larry Paige the idea for Google, took the opposite tack to traditional criticism of the theory. Instead of disproving it, Conrad took the unusual step of proving that the fundamental tenets of the theory were correct… but that they had no clinical, social or existential value.
“Autogynephilia divides transsexuals up into homosexual and non-homosexual transsexuals. Obviously, such a division exists. But you can divide any group up into homo and non-homosexual… in the end it’s like… ‘yeah… so there’s gay ones and not gay ones… so fucking what?” Felix added… “Clinicians get no value from the theory… the only person interested in dividing transsexuals up into homo and non-homosexuals are travel agents selling gay cruises.”
The ever modest Conrad said, “To be honest, I don’t know why everyone’s paying so much attention to this. Autogynephilia was a theory that had a global following of three people… all of whom were from Canada.”
Asked to comment on Anne Lawrence’s newer version of the theory, Felix said dryly “she believes transsexuals are men trapped in men’s body. I don’t think she’ll be winning a Nobel prize for that one.” And asked why he was now attacking the theory after writing a book in favour of it… the philosopher – an intimate friend of Brad Pitt – confessed that he was ‘shallow.’
“All this Caitlyn Jenner stuff made me see which way the wind was blowing… and besides… I wouldn’t mind getting a bit of Julia Serrano.’
Unfortunately, Blanchard’s grandiose gesture may well go unappreciated. Sexologists from the Baltimore clinic of sexual health in the US have pointed out that the new term might might well cause confusion amongst those who have a fetish for ducks. Quackaphilia already exists.
Blanchard announced that he would now focus on both theories and that he had begun by dividing ducks into two categories: malards and non-malards. Asked why the males would be called non-malards rather than drakes, Blanchard reported that his preliminary research had discovered that a large percentage of drakes were aroused at the idea of themselves being mallards and therefore the theory made perfect sense. When told about the new controversy… Felix stroked his beard and said…
…”WTD! What the duck!”
This article is a spoof and entirely fictitious (except the part about Felix being handsome.)
I was munching on quackers while reading this and finally realized that I’m just a heterosexual girl. Thanks a lot Blanchard for taking away my gayness! You suck! I’m taking my fabulous purse and going to hang out with the cis girls. Will they still love me now that I’m just a girl and I’m not gay anymore??? OMG